Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
