she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
