new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
