4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
