My liver just broke up with me...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
