Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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