If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
