I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
