dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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