Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
foreskin is a definite game changer
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
