I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
