my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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