I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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