you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
