I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
