you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
