I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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