I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
