Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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