Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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