it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
