Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
