That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
