I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
