What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize