You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
