he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Alive.
So much puke
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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