I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
