I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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