alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
