My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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