there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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