I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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