god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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