No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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