i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We talked him into tasing himself.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How naked do you want me to be?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
