found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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