What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
