Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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