I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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