He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What a dumb baby whore.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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