In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
