I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
