Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
