life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
