so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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