She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
