He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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