Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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