I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
