I faked an abortion last night.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
