I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
