Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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