I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
