So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
