Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
