saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
