At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize