I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
