why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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