I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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