Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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