My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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