i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
