She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you had me at cake vodka
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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