What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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