No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
