Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
