your room smells of hookers.
And success
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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