dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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