she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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