one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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