I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
